So after a while i’m finally back to blogging again. Think i need to release this shit tension because of people. Because of myself. Because of, what else there is? AND NO, i’m not blaming anybody. People often misunderstood me. Fuck though when sometimes people are kinda shittty.
I dare to say i’m pretty different compared to others. I hate a lot of things. A perfectionist wannabe, it’s bad but sometimes i can’t help it. I HAD TO FIX whatever is imperfect. Deep down, i feel unhappy. Unhappy with everything. It’s like, all these years battling with myself. I can’t do it anymore. Blaming myself is tiring. It makes me so unhappy, for that 15 years that is. Alone. Sometimes i just wish, a car would ram over me and end all this misery. Though they say, be careful what you wish for.
My life isn’t something that i want. Honestly i don’t even know what i want. U know in books and people say that it’s important to realise your dreams and to move forward towards your goal. Have they ever even thought, what if.. what if.. i have no goals yet? I don’t know what i’m striving for. Who and what is the purpose of all these things? Family? U see my family isn’t that normal and i kinda hate it too. It’s not something that can be shared easily. Which sucks.
People. I’ve been pretty much alone ever since i first started tadika. It goes like a trend eventhough i’ve set a resolution each time i moved to a new school. After all this, i start to question myself. Why don’t i have any friends? Because i’m boring? Because i’m quiet? Because i’m a tool that brings embarrassment? Pretty much a complicated being. I watch a lot of animes. And i get really attached to those who are always fighting for their friends. So i thought if i just please or try to be as good as any friend would be, things will be okay. I will get a lot of friends. But no. Shit is not real. This is reality. And reality is people is selfish and stupid and just selfish. So, next is gonna be judgmental. Sure, i hate ppl who judges. How can you as a friend judge others? What gives you the right to judge others and tell the others that he or she is weird. FUCK OFF. AND NO i’m not judging right now. Hmm. My life feels extremely contradicting. I’m very complicated in nature, true story.
As time goes on, i observed more and more. I try to adapt to this shit world life by trying to learn the worldly attitude that stinks shit so that i know the ‘proper’ response to give to people. I don’t know is it me.. but the world has moved to a certain language called the teasing or sarcastic language. Which could bring tons of laughter and shit and just getting it over by saying, it’s a “joke”.
Sadly, i can’t go adapting to that shit language. I can’t induce something that is unnatural within me. Most people can smile and pose so nicely in front of camera. But that wasn’t the case for me. No matter how ‘genuine’ i put the smile, it just won’t work. And it sucks. Why? Because the world is such a camera world now. Everybody wants a piece of shit snap camera. AND furthermore it’s not like i hate it, but it’s more to, what is wrong with me. I had to practice for a thing that i’m supposed to be natural at.
Also. Being a girl isn’t easy. Honestly, all girls naturally know how to tie up their hair. Me? I had to force myself to practice it, for the world again. How fuck up is that shit. Girls like shopping. I find it tiring and stupid. I really can’t help it sometimes. It is tiring and i really hate being tired. I love sports and i’ve joined many kinds of sports. But it all ends up in vain. VAIN.
Zoology. Why the fuck would i get this course. People often relate me to working at zoo after i graduate. I FUCKING hate to hear that. Zoology is just not the thing. It is just not i wanted. But again, what do i want? I always wanna believe that i got chosen for this course for a reason. But in it, i’m not happy at all. The people is unreliable and i feel alone. Alone. My family has this fucking trend started, which is all the girls took up medicine course. Of course, it promises good life eventhough it is not what you actually wanted. But Zoology? What can i do with that shit? Oh and yeah, of course i had to be the only odd one in the family. Zoology is obviously not medicine. AH, sucks to be me. I bloody hate insects and people are like ‘you’re in Zoology, how can you be afraid of insects?” WELL FUCK YOU. Also, the university is within this fucking shit local. I’m glad and my only comfort from all this shit is going back everyweek. But non-local don’t think that way. They’ll be saying how fucking lucky i am to be here. WELL. I don’t need those words. I have family problems and fuck you, you won’t know what i faced at home, though it’s still better than staying at uni.
Oh driving? For the world. I can’t drive. I got my license but i still can’t drive. Fear. Fear. If fear is that easy to be overcomed, i would have no fear by now (at least that’s what i believe). So fuck off if you don’t know anything.
Hmm so what else. Oh yeah. So i have this friend. She loves this group of people from another faculty. A GROUP of them. She’s always happy and after that she dumps me just to be with them. Sure, not wrong. Can change course too if you want. I don’t really care about any fuck. Thing is, why am i so pathetic. WHY? If she leaves, then i’m gonna be alone. Alone, again. This trend of people having the same friend til graduate is just stupid. So these days she’s been showing me that bitch face when i ask her to do her part of work. BITCH WHY U NO KNOW UR OWN MISTAKES? U SLEEP TOO MUCH U KNOW? U’re my friend. But i hate it when you’re not trying ur best at things and just give excuses like you got hell of meetings. Bitch if you still have time typing on the phone then why not try to type something out and use that brain a little? HOW ARE U A FRIEND? Sure, it’s fucking easy and i can fucking complete the whole proposal by myself and i don’t really fucking need anybody. But it’s stupid, it’s a group work. WHY am i the one to initiate it, only to get scolded by teachers at the end. I don’t really get it sometimes. So yeah, generally how stupid people are. 20 years old and still acting like a bitch. But i guess it’s common, at least in this country. Makes sense right?
At the end of everything, what is wrong with me? I know when i make mistakes. I’m not the type who doesn’t know what did i do wrong. Why do i keep blaming myself? I don’t blame others, only myself. It must be my problem somewhere, but i have yet to identify it.
Too nice. Too nice, true story. Unhappy.
Sometimes i think i’m better off alone. I don’t have to consider or talk to anybody. I do feel happier that way. But the world says we NEED friends. How can i fight with the world? HOW can i?
Oh did i mention i have social phobia too. Nobody understands. Nobody. FUCK THAT SHIT.